Because I couldn't put it into words...

Fall Changes

Well...I have finally passed D-Day! This week marks the date that I broke down in front of my class and cried one year ago. Although I want to make it clear that I don't fell any shame about this small mishap, it was just an event I was hoping not to repeat this year. I mean, I can't imagine many more degrading experiences than a teacher actually crying to their students about their lonely life all in an attempt to get them to care about the fact that their final will be on the following day! Yep...that was a real low point. I am happy, no ecstatic, to report that this week has brought quite the opposite emotion. First of all, I have begun a class of behavior interventions with 3 of the most difficult students in the school. This is all a last ditch attempt to save these students from being sent to the learning center permanently, where they will wait out their time until they are awarded a GED instead of a diploma. At first I had to lure these particular students into my classroom with candy, but now they are actually showing up just to talk about the struggles they are up against. Let me begin with K. I had the opportunity to teach his twin brother last year and am well aware of the struggles this family has endured. Fortunately, there were a few days last week that K and I were alone finishing his anatomy project. During this time he finally opened up to me, and explained the difficulties his family has had since his father's death. He told me that his father was killed in a gang fight, while attempting to solicit drugs. It was interesting that he kind of timidly mentioned this part under his breath, only to be followed by a forceful statement about what a great man his father was. "He always took care of his own." In fact, his father must have been a very caring man, because people in the community are still providing for his family 15 years after the death of their breadwinner. In fact, both K and his brother still wear a shirt with their father's picture underneath their school uniform every week. Things have been really rough since that time, but K made it very clear that he never wants to follow in his father's desperate attempts to provide for his family. This allowed me to explain to him the importance of getting his behavior under control, so that he never has to sell drugs in a gang to support his family. It was so inspiring to see his face light up as he began to tell me how he and his brother want to open up a restaurant and club in their small town. I just smiled as I realized that I had passed the test of trust and was now privy to the dreams of this incredible young man. You have to understand that this boy is someone that people believed cared about nothing, least of all school. It's like we're sharing an inside joke every time I see the other teachers roll their eyes as he passes, because now we both know differently. Upon finishing his extremely long and arduous project, I stood next to him as he handed it into the teacher a day early. His face was beaming as he presented his carefully crafted work, and then he quickly quenched the outward expression of feeling as a few other students passed.

We had another incredible breakthrough yesterday as he entered my room very frustrated by some rumors that were passing around the school. Apparently a young lady is telling everyone that K is the father of her baby. It was interesting that the discussion I had prepared on responsibility fit perfectly with this dilemma. We immediately began talking about what K had power over, and what particular aspects he was unable to control with this problem. I almost hit the floor as he explained that he could not control what other people were saying about him, but he was able to control the way he reacted to it! I am not sure if anyone outside of these schools can truly understand what a feat this understanding is. This week alone we had a gang fight in which 5 young men were handcuffed, and escorted off the premises by a policeman all because one of them said something that the others immediately reacted to. Impromptu reactions without much thought for consequence seems to be a common problem among young people in this culture. However, I have hope that students like K may be able to set the standard in the future.

I began a phonics unit today with 2 students who have been eagerly attending after school tutorials all year. In fact, these 2 students have begun asking me if tutorials could be longer and go everyday. I just laugh, and then wish I had the strength to meet their enthusiasm! It became painfully clear to me as I asked them to read one sentence questions, that they are struggling with dyslexia. The more frustrating part is that these students are in the 10th grade and no one has diagnosed or helped them. Therefore, I have begun learning a phonics program for those with dyslexia in my free time, and they are so excited to learn to read! We began with the vowels a and e today, and these students were unable to tell me the sounds these two vowels make. I began the day worried that they would hate learning elementary letter sounds again, but it became an incredibly fun game because they had never really learned them in the first place. In fact, one of the students explained that he had to move so much when he was little, he remembered having to miss the lessons on the sounds that these particular letters make. Overall, the first meeting was a great success, and I cannot wait to see how these lessons translate into their school work and eventually their state tests. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such incredible young people, it only took a full year and me showing my own weakness before they would begin to demonstrate their true beauty.

Broadway

I had such a special experience with L this week I had to share it. My friend is on the national tour of Legally Blonde and the opening night of the tour happened to be right in our neck of the woods. By some miraculous series of events, it worked out that I was able to take one of my students that is serving as the president on dance club this year. He has never had the opportunity to see a broadway show before, or really any live theater for that matter. His face was full of anticipation as he brought his small bag of clothes to my classroom, because time necessitated that he would have to change on the way to the production. I was so humbled as he came out all dressed for the show in his nicest button up shirt, worn out jeans, and tennis shoes with gaping holes. I remembered earlier that day as I was agonizing between which 3 outfits would suit the occasion best. I am so grateful for the simple manner in which these students humble me daily. I told him he looked very nice, although I contemplated giving him a pair of my pants so he didn't feel underdressed once we arrived. We eventually made it downtown and literally could not find one place to eat. We finally happened upon a small diner, which L commented was probably better suited for people a little bit older. I had no clue what he was talking about until I noticed a sea of white hair unfold before us. L and I just laughed as he ordered his regular fried chicken, which I ended up eating because the "healthy" dish I chose paled in comparison. We made a mad dash over to the theater just in time to receive the royal treatment with a backstage tour. L met all of the cast and his favorite part was playing with the 3 dogs that play Bruiser Woods in the show. After the tour, and a treat break because my healthy meal had completely failed to fill me up, I followed behind L as his face became more and more expressive with each row we passed on our way up to our 4th row seats. He could not believe that we were actually going to be able to be this close to the action. The show was absolutely incredible and the best part was hearing L laughing next to me at regular intervals for the entire 3 hours. He absolutely loved it, and leaned over to whisper somewhere in the 1st act, that he now wanted to be on Broadway. I have to say that I wasn't the least bit surprised because I have already been privy to his love for singing and dancing. I knew it was only a matter of time until he realized it could all be melded together into one masterpiece. He fell asleep on the way home, and I was left to imagine how I could create not only a dance club, but a glee club of sorts at school this year. I was having a hard time feeling inspired to begin dance club this year, and it became clear that this was the reason. I need to provide an opportunity for these students to not only showcase their dancing abilities, but their singing talent as well. I guess we'll just have to see if this turns out to be a complete disaster!

Playing Dad

Wow...I can't believe I am back and staring at the beginning of another year. Part of me doesn't feel like I have the strength to do this all over again, and yet the other part of me is so excited to have one more shot to truly impact my students. I decided over the summer that I want to be the teacher that inspires my students to want to learn more about their world. I'll keep y'all posted on how that goes :)

I have had quite an incredible experience/opportunity with 2 of my former students today. D came to visit me during my first week back, and there was a look in his mother's eye that told me she was in desperate need. He was supposed to start at a university this week and his family had no car to take him the 1.5 hours to the school. Therefore, I agreed to pick him up over the weekend and make the trek up to the university. It was so incredible to be a part of a process I started. Part of the reason D and K decided to go this particular university, is because it is where Dance Club performed for Teach For America. After spending one day on that campus, they both had their hearts set on attending there and after much work it has finally happened! They moved into their new dorm rooms today and I was so proud to watch them take some very frightening steps that will change their lives and the lives of their families forever.

D's family does not have a phone or a car, so all of his correspondence with the university has been through mail. As a result, I was not entirely sure that he had been admitted or would have a dorm room assigned once we arrived. To my surprise they had his new dorm ready and he couldn't stop smiling as we moved his new microwave, refrigerator, and duffle bag into the freshly painted room. Upon completing the simple task of moving in, which was only so simple because his belongings were few, we realized that he was not registered for any classes and that he didn't know if he was receiving any financial aid. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him up there with only 5 dollars in his pocket, so we headed to Walmart to stock up his food supply until he was able to figure it out. I kept imagining my father as I helped him pick out a shower curtain, laundry detergent, and simple food items. After our southern excursion, you're not truly southern until Walmart is an excursion, I took both of the boys to a nice lunch at my favorite restaurant in the town. We laughed together as we talked about the previous year and reminisced over all of the foreign restaurants I drug them to. We also momentarily raised our eyebrows in acknowledgment that they were the only 2 black people in the entire restaurant, and then chuckled as K mentioned that this fact explained why the service was so slow.

We spent the remainder of the afternoon looking for K's classes and then I hugged them goodbye and promised to stop by after my meeting in a week to check on them. I felt so nervous and excited at the same time that I almost couldn't contain my emotions on the ride home. I imagine this must be what a parent feels at many different points during the progression of their children. I am just so grateful that I was able to have this incredible reminder about why I am out here at this time. Seeing those two as men entering college, partly as a result of my hard work, has made this experience more than worth it. By the way, while I was visiting their dorm rooms I noticed they both had the book I wrote in and gave them at graduation out on their desks. Here are a few lines I want to dedicate to them from that book today:

"Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds (like ME) as you go. So be sure when you step (or dance!). Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!"

-Dr. Seuss

Good luck gentlemen!!! I can't wait to see where this journey takes you both!

~Mr. Hillz

In Retrospect

This has been a very tough week! It began when my administration pulled us into an impromptu meeting on monday, and decided that we needed to have our grades in by the end of the week. Now this doesn't seem like that much of a problem, unless you understand that the student's finals have been planned for the following week since the beginning of the year. I had planned to use every second up until the following week to help my students review and do well on their finals. I walked away from that meeting disheartened and very fearful that many of my students would not be able to really show how much they have learned.

The actual administration of the finals is one of the more painful processes I think I have ever been through. I truly believe that experience gave me a glimpse into what it must feel like to be a parent. Many of the students who had not shown up for the past month, and much less for the review, somehow decided just to come and take the final without any preparation. As many of them were taking the final, they would ask me very simple questions that I wished so badly that I could answer. It was so difficult to just stand by and watch them struggle, and my only reply was that I wished so badly they had come to the review so that I could have helped them. One of my students that had chosen to quit attending school during the last quarter was very angry with me during the final. We both knew that he would probably fail, and I was the easiest target to blame for this fact. He berated me during the test, purposely ignored my rules, cheated in an outright manner, and accused me of being racist when I finally told him that it was enough and he had failed. I tried to take a moment out in the hall and tell him that I was so sad that he had not taken me up on my numerous offers to meet him before and after school to get caught up. In fact I had to turn away a few times for fear that I would begin crying because I cared so much about his success. His only response was that everyone else inside was cheating, and that he didn't want me to teach him next year because I couldn't help him learn. I walked back into the classroom very disheartened only to find numerous students quickly copying down answers from a test they had stolen earlier that day.

I left that day with a whole host of negative feelings, and I realized that they all boiled down to one fact. I was so sad that we were not having the grand closure to the year that I had always envisioned. After working beyond our normal capacities this year, I wanted these students to finally see how much they had accomplished. Now, they were content merely to copy down the answers from someone else, or hand in a half completed test because they had missed all of the review and were not prepared for the final. It became painstakingly clear that I did not do enough to inspire these students this year. I did not instill in them a desire and a love for learning. In fact, I don't even think I liked being in my classroom a majority of the time this year. I know that they are a whole host of excuses as to why things occurred this way, but I can only say that I want it to be different next year.

I have just finished grading their finals and I am ecstatic to report that my Biology II class surpassed the goal of 80% mastery with an 81%. My chemistry classes were not far behind with 78% mastery. This is incredible because this proves that these students have learned enough this year to make up for lost time. As I watch my seniors preparing to pass on to college, I can only hope that something they have been taught this year will stick and help them to be successful in college. The statistics tell me that over half of them will give up within the first few months and return home, where many of them will live out the duration of their lives in between prison and the streets. I keep trying to convince myself that if I have changed this fate for just one of these beautiful children, it is enough. Also, we found out tonight that our future program director for Teach For America was killed in a car accident last night. My heart goes out to her friends and family at this time, and I can only hope that they will receive some peace and guidance during this difficult trial.

~Mr. Hillz

Looking Backward

Well, I can't believe we are finally here! I keep thinking back to the picture I posted on 8/28/09 and remember thinking that I would never survive until May. There is so much in my heart and mind at this point that I'm not even sure I can put it to words accurately. I guess the word to capture it is grace. I am so grateful for this experience and how it has moved through me and changed me. I am so grateful for these kids that have tested me time and time again just to be sure that I truly do love them. I think in some way they can't understand why I would care so much for them, and are even more baffled as to why they deserve it. The end of the year has been so interesting as the relationships I have been building all year are finally coming to fruition. These students are learning and are much more capable of succeeding academically with each passing day. I am both surprised and humbled by their resilience. We have had so many wonderful experiences in these past few months that I feel guilty for not making more time to share them. Here is a quick rundown-

1. Two of my students rode their bikes/walked to school for Earth day so that they could make one small difference. This inspired me so much, that a fellow teacher and I left for school an hour and a half early the following day to ride our bikes to school. After numerous run-ins with road kill, almost getting hit by a school bus, and a little swack (sweaty back) we eventually made it. We also watched the music video Michael Jackson made entitled Earth Song to focus on what we could do to help the Earth. I had a few wide eyed students stay after class and tell me that they made a pact that they would only recycle from here on out. They were really touched by the video!

2. I had the opportunity to teach a few first graders an African dance for their play. Yes I am aware of the irony involved when one of the only white males at the school is teaching an African dance, but I was glad to do it all the same. I wish you could have seen the eyes of these little ones light up when they danced. I think it just must be in their genetics :)

3. We are 2 weeks away from graduation and all of my students are preparing to take their finals and see exactly how much growth they have made. I am moderately sure that we are going to reach our goal of 80% mastery, which would mean we have made up for lost

time. I guess the only concerning part about all of this is that many of the students are no longer coming to school because they still are not convinced of the value in it. However, I have to chuckle a little bit because most of the seniors gripe at me daily that my class is one of the only ones they know they still have to show up for :) Maybe I will convince them that education is important after all!

I have to admit that I am beyond exhausted and I don't think my body would hold up if I were attempting to do this mission for more than 2 years. In fact I am writing this from bed as I had to take off of work for sickness. A rather large tornado came right past my home a few weeks ago and completely destroyed a few towns just down the road. I went with my church one Sunday afternoon to help clean up the debris, and could not believe the destruction left in the tornado's wake. I have never been this close to a natural disaster before. Everytime I start to feel tired and sorry for myself, I remember the look on the family's faces as they worked tirelessly to remove whole trees from their dilapidated homes. If they can survive losing everything they owned, I know I can survi

ve this.

I have included some pictures of the students receiving the supplies that many people worked so tirelessly to donate. These supplies are one of the main reasons that we are going to reach our goal this year. Without them, the students would have no way of keeping track of everything they have accomplished. We thank all of you for your time/support and hope these pictures can be a small token of our gratitude.

~Mr. Hillz Class (2010)

Good News

I thought I would take a moment and fill you in on all of the good news that has happened within the past few weeks. First of all, I realized that I am truly having an impact on many of these students. I lost all of my 9th graders this quarter, because we had to make room to prepare for the state tests. Therefore, all of the freshman go to the computer lab instead of coming to my classroom. It has been interesting to observe their response to this change. I expected them to be elated, because they constantly complained about how hard they had to work in my class. In contrast, most of the students have come back to tell me that they miss my class. They complain that they cannot learn from the computers, and even try to come to my class when they are supposed to be in the computer lab. I have to smile when one of my most difficult 9th grade students comes to my door every morning and waits for me to say hello. In that moment I know all of this work has made some small difference.

I am also very excited about all of the donations we've received. So many people have been so willing to give, and it is making a huge difference in what we are able to accomplish. Many of the students now have binders and notebooks, which is a battle I do not have to fight any longer. They are so adorable with how carefully they place papers in their notebooks, as if they are too fragile to handle the slightest amount of weight. I have also been able to purchase items that will allow us to keep the materials we've received in our classroom. I cannot trust them to take the materials home, because many of the students are not adept at staying organized. We have also received a projector from Donors Choose. org that will be arriving shortly. I cannot imagine the great strides we will make when I can show these students what we are learning in a visual manner. They are so capable, but get lost in a language that is almost completely foreign to them. They do not speak in the same language that textbooks are written in, therefore they must learn a foreign language to be successful in a school setting. I will continue to work on literacy with these students, but it will no longer be at the expense of the science topics we are supposed to be covering.

I also have had some exciting strides happen within the classroom. Most of the classes reached the 76% comprehension mark as of their most recent final exams. This is very exciting because our goal for them to make "significant gains" this year is 80% mastery. Therefore, we are well on our way in spite of all of the set backs we have come up against. I also have realized how much I am truly asking of these students by their intense anger over recent assignments. For the first time in many of their school careers, I have required them to read information out of a textbook at home and take a quiz on it the next day. This concept is completely foreign to most of the students, but I have to say that many of them are becoming quite adept at this necessary skill. I also required them to write a 5 paragraph essay in response to a statement about the validity of genetic technology in American society within a 30 minute time frame. I have to say that I took quite a beating from all of the students for this one, and even had to send some students to the principal because I was afraid of their intense reactions. However, in the end I helped them to understand that most standardized tests require this type of work, and many of the students actually outperformed my expectations. So I guess I just wanted to sum this up with a simple THANK YOU! Thank you to all of those who have been working for a group of students that you may never meet. Trust me when I tell you that they are truly incredible human beings and there is no limit as to what they can accomplish. As you can see we are having some great successes, and I know that all of this success cannot be attributed just to me. We are so grateful for your selflessness and will continue to move forward as a result of it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

~Mr. Hillz (this is the nickname my students have given me)

The only constant is change

I have come to realize that the only constant out here is change. It seems that everyone is moving at a frantic pace in this setting because everything seems to be failing. As a result, we never give any solutions a fair chance, because we are so worried that they will fail just like their predecessors. A prime example of this failing philosophy is that my classes are being changed for the third time this year. This new information confirms my fear that I will receive a new set of classes during each of the four quarters this year. I do understand that they are hoping that these changes will help the students pass their state exams, but I wonder if the constant change could be the primary reason they fail in the first place. There is something to be said for a class that is lucky enough to remain with one teacher throughout the entire year. They are able to learn how that teacher operates and work toward meeting the expectations of the teacher. It seems that just as I invest my students enough to work toward achieving my lofty goals, they are taken from me. I wish so badly that we could find some consistency here, because it is evident that these students must deal with enough unsurety outside of school.

I will now be teaching advanced biology, chemistry, physics, and helping with my former intro to biology classes. I think that if a first year teacher can survive 4 preps, he/she can probably do almost anything!

I had a very disheartening experience within the past few weeks. My phone was stolen at school, and I found out that in the interim that over 4000 dollars worth of calls were made to a foreign country. Many students came forward and told me the name of the student who they saw with my phone, and I was summoned to testify against him in court this week. I have to say that this was a very hard experience. All I wanted from him was recognition of the pain and problems he caused as a result of his careless actions. Unfortunately, I did not receive anything of the sort, but was instead verbally attacked by his family for forcing them to travel from their home. They made incessant remarks about my stupidity in leaving my phone service on after the phone was stolen, but little did they know that I was only trying to allow their son to make amends for his actions. I will never forget the look of sheer hatred he gave me as I left that courtroom, only to return after they summon my students in to testify against him. I realize now how ignorant it was to believe that my efforts to educate these children would be met with open arms. Instead I've been verbally bashed, stolen from, and made out to be a complete fool. I am learning that even when we are trying to do much good, we will be met with just as much opposition. I can only hope this battle will come to a quick close.

These are the performances that dance club did at the mid year celebration for the Mississippi Delta corps of Teach for America.

Looking Back to Move Forward

It was a very interesting experience to spend Martin Luther King day here in the South. I started the day by watching the "I have a dream speech" on You Tube, and finished it ironically touring the magnificent ruins of homes left by slave owners of the past. There was a part of the speech that caught my attention today, that has never caught my attention before: "I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice." I was forced to stop after this statement and consider the current state of Mississippi and whether the dreams of this inspiring man have begun to be fulfilled. At first, I was quick to focus on the flaws surrounding the current condition of this mysterious land. For instance, the man who took our tickets for our tour of the Antebellum homes was very quick to point out that although today was the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr., tomorrow is the birthday of Robert E. Lee. This statement literally took my breath away, and I wondered how Martin Luther King would feel about the state of Mississippi today. I gained some comfort as I thought about my 27 other close friends working feverishly to educate the future African American leaders of this nation.

The other part of the speech that always strikes a chord with me is: "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." I wondered to myself what an outsider would think of the content of my student's character. I have to be honest that I am fearful for many of them. They seem to be at war with themselves as they try to define what it means to be African American during 2010. I told many of them during a breakdown moment last week that they didn't deserve the title of Future Leaders of the World, because at this point I am afraid to have them lead anything. I will be asking my students tomorrow how they think outsiders would view the content of their character. Stay posted for their answers :)

Although there is much to be fearful about in the lives of these students, that means there is also much to hope for. I had an experience upon my return from Christmas break that propelled me headfirst back into my mission here. During my first night home, I had a student call me and tell me that he needed someone to talk to. I was worried that this might be crossing some lines as a teacher, but the earnestness in his voice forced me to momentarily ignore these fears. I met him at the high school, and sat for a good amount of time shooting the breeze and wondering why he sounded so desperate on the phone. All at once his walls collapsed and a flood of emotion came out as he explained that he had been kicked out of his home. He explained that his mom did not agree with the person he was dating, and he had been trying to provide for himself and his love ever since. I asked him how he was making money to survive, and he told me that he was selling candy at school to pay for gas to get to school. That explained why he was so reluctant to meet me at the school, because he was not sure he would have enough gas to make it back to his makeshift residence. The conversation then returned back to regular student banter about school, and the moment was over as quickly as it came. Just before leaving, I asked him if he would allow me to fill up his truck. He was very quiet for a moment, and then whispered: "that would be nice." I tried to talk to him on the way to fill up the car, but his responses were very short and quiet. As I continued to invent questions to keep the conversation going, he finally stopped talking, began sobbing and laid his head on my shoulder. I felt him release all of the tension and fear he had been holding on to in that moment, and told him that he needed to allow people to take care of him too. This experience forced me to realize the intense amount of adult strain that these children are under. Many of them are raising their parent's children or their own children before they have had time to complete their own childhood. I could feel his fear as to the uncertain future, because he is much too young to face the gravity of the situation that he is forced to bear. I only hope that he will continue to find more moments where he can just be a kid and find relief.