Jaremy's Journey

Because I couldn't put it into words...

2011-05-29T17:44:00.002-05:00

Fall Changes

2010-10-07T19:03:00.004-05:00

Well...I have finally passed D-Day! This week marks the date that I broke down in front of my class and cried one year ago. Although I want to make it clear that I don't fell any shame about this small mishap, it was just an event I was hoping not to repeat this year. I mean, I can't imagine many more degrading experiences than a teacher actually crying to their students about their lonely life all in an attempt to get them to care about the fact that their final will be on the following day! Yep...that was a real low point. I am happy, no ecstatic, to report that this week has brought quite the opposite emotion. First of all, I have begun a class of behavior interventions with 3 of the most difficult students in the school. This is all a last ditch attempt to save these students from being sent to the learning center permanently, where they will wait out their time until they are awarded a GED instead of a diploma. At first I had to lure these particular students into my classroom with candy, but now they are actually showing up just to talk about the struggles they are up against. Let me begin with K. I had the opportunity to teach his twin brother last year and am well aware of the struggles this family has endured. Fortunately, there were a few days last week that K and I were alone finishing his anatomy project. During this time he finally opened up to me, and explained the difficulties his family has had since his father's death. He told me that his father was killed in a gang fight, while attempting to solicit drugs. It was interesting that he kind of timidly mentioned this part under his breath, only to be followed by a forceful statement about what a great man his father was. "He always took care of his own." In fact, his father must have been a very caring man, because people in the community are still providing for his family 15 years after the death of their breadwinner. In fact, both K and his brother still wear a shirt with their father's picture underneath their school uniform every week. Things have been really rough since that time, but K made it very clear that he never wants to follow in his father's desperate attempts to provide for his family. This allowed me to explain to him the importance of getting his behavior under control, so that he never has to sell drugs in a gang to support his family. It was so inspiring to see his face light up as he began to tell me how he and his brother want to open up a restaurant and club in their small town. I just smiled as I realized that I had passed the test of trust and was now privy to the dreams of this incredible young man. You have to understand that this boy is someone that people believed cared about nothing, least of all school. It's like we're sharing an inside joke every time I see the other teachers roll their eyes as he passes, because now we both know differently. Upon finishing his extremely long and arduous project, I stood next to him as he handed it into the teacher a day early. His face was beaming as he presented his carefully crafted work, and then he quickly quenched the outward expression of feeling as a few other students passed.

We had another incredible breakthrough yesterday as he entered my room very frustrated by some rumors that were passing around the school. Apparently a young lady is telling everyone that K is the father of her baby. It was interesting that the discussion I had prepared on responsibility fit perfectly with this dilemma. We immediately began talking about what K had power over, and what particular aspects he was unable to control with this problem. I almost hit the floor as he explained that he could not control what other people were saying about him, but he was able to control the way he reacted to it! I am not sure if anyone outside of these schools can truly understand what a feat this understanding is. This week alone we had a gang fight in which 5 young men were handcuffed, and escorted off the premises by a policeman all because one of them said something that the others immediately reacted to. Impromptu reactions without much thought for consequence seems to be a common problem among young people in this culture. However, I have hope that students like K may be able to set the standard in the future.

I began a phonics unit today with 2 students who have been eagerly attending after school tutorials all year. In fact, these 2 students have begun asking me if tutorials could be longer and go everyday. I just laugh, and then wish I had the strength to meet their enthusiasm! It became painfully clear to me as I asked them to read one sentence questions, that they are struggling with dyslexia. The more frustrating part is that these students are in the 10th grade and no one has diagnosed or helped them. Therefore, I have begun learning a phonics program for those with dyslexia in my free time, and they are so excited to learn to read! We began with the vowels a and e today, and these students were unable to tell me the sounds these two vowels make. I began the day worried that they would hate learning elementary letter sounds again, but it became an incredibly fun game because they had never really learned them in the first place. In fact, one of the students explained that he had to move so much when he was little, he remembered having to miss the lessons on the sounds that these particular letters make. Overall, the first meeting was a great success, and I cannot wait to see how these lessons translate into their school work and eventually their state tests. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such incredible young people, it only took a full year and me showing my own weakness before they would begin to demonstrate their true beauty.

Broadway

2010-09-26T21:00:00.002-05:00

I had such a special experience with L this week I had to share it. My friend is on the national tour of Legally Blonde and the opening night of the tour happened to be right in our neck of the woods. By some miraculous series of events, it worked out that I was able to take one of my students that is serving as the president on dance club this year. He has never had the opportunity to see a broadway show before, or really any live theater for that matter. His face was full of anticipation as he brought his small bag of clothes to my classroom, because time necessitated that he would have to change on the way to the production. I was so humbled as he came out all dressed for the show in his nicest button up shirt, worn out jeans, and tennis shoes with gaping holes. I remembered earlier that day as I was agonizing between which 3 outfits would suit the occasion best. I am so grateful for the simple manner in which these students humble me daily. I told him he looked very nice, although I contemplated giving him a pair of my pants so he didn't feel underdressed once we arrived. We eventually made it downtown and literally could not find one place to eat. We finally happened upon a small diner, which L commented was probably better suited for people a little bit older. I had no clue what he was talking about until I noticed a sea of white hair unfold before us. L and I just laughed as he ordered his regular fried chicken, which I ended up eating because the "healthy" dish I chose paled in comparison. We made a mad dash over to the theater just in time to receive the royal treatment with a backstage tour. L met all of the cast and his favorite part was playing with the 3 dogs that play Bruiser Woods in the show. After the tour, and a treat break because my healthy meal had completely failed to fill me up, I followed behind L as his face became more and more expressive with each row we passed on our way up to our 4th row seats. He could not believe that we were actually going to be able to be this close to the action. The show was absolutely incredible and the best part was hearing L laughing next to me at regular intervals for the entire 3 hours. He absolutely loved it, and leaned over to whisper somewhere in the 1st act, that he now wanted to be on Broadway. I have to say that I wasn't the least bit surprised because I have already been privy to his love for singing and dancing. I knew it was only a matter of time until he realized it could all be melded together into one masterpiece. He fell asleep on the way home, and I was left to imagine how I could create not only a dance club, but a glee club of sorts at school this year. I was having a hard time feeling inspired to begin dance club this year, and it became clear that this was the reason. I need to provide an opportunity for these students to not only showcase their dancing abilities, but their singing talent as well. I guess we'll just have to see if this turns out to be a complete disaster!

Playing Dad

2010-08-15T21:12:00.003-05:00

Wow...I can't believe I am back and staring at the beginning of another year. Part of me doesn't feel like I have the strength to do this all over again, and yet the other part of me is so excited to have one more shot to truly impact my students. I decided over the summer that I want to be the teacher that inspires my students to want to learn more about their world. I'll keep y'all posted on how that goes :)

I have had quite an incredible experience/opportunity with 2 of my former students today. D came to visit me during my first week back, and there was a look in his mother's eye that told me she was in desperate need. He was supposed to start at a university this week and his family had no car to take him the 1.5 hours to the school. Therefore, I agreed to pick him up over the weekend and make the trek up to the university. It was so incredible to be a part of a process I started. Part of the reason D and K decided to go this particular university, is because it is where Dance Club performed for Teach For America. After spending one day on that campus, they both had their hearts set on attending there and after much work it has finally happened! They moved into their new dorm rooms today and I was so proud to watch them take some very frightening steps that will change their lives and the lives of their families forever.

D's family does not have a phone or a car, so all of his correspondence with the university has been through mail. As a result, I was not entirely sure that he had been admitted or would have a dorm room assigned once we arrived. To my surprise they had his new dorm ready and he couldn't stop smiling as we moved his new microwave, refrigerator, and duffle bag into the freshly painted room. Upon completing the simple task of moving in, which was only so simple because his belongings were few, we realized that he was not registered for any classes and that he didn't know if he was receiving any financial aid. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him up there with only 5 dollars in his pocket, so we headed to Walmart to stock up his food supply until he was able to figure it out. I kept imagining my father as I helped him pick out a shower curtain, laundry detergent, and simple food items. After our southern excursion, you're not truly southern until Walmart is an excursion, I took both of the boys to a nice lunch at my favorite restaurant in the town. We laughed together as we talked about the previous year and reminisced over all of the foreign restaurants I drug them to. We also momentarily raised our eyebrows in acknowledgment that they were the only 2 black people in the entire restaurant, and then chuckled as K mentioned that this fact explained why the service was so slow.

We spent the remainder of the afternoon looking for K's classes and then I hugged them goodbye and promised to stop by after my meeting in a week to check on them. I felt so nervous and excited at the same time that I almost couldn't contain my emotions on the ride home. I imagine this must be what a parent feels at many different points during the progression of their children. I am just so grateful that I was able to have this incredible reminder about why I am out here at this time. Seeing those two as men entering college, partly as a result of my hard work, has made this experience more than worth it. By the way, while I was visiting their dorm rooms I noticed they both had the book I wrote in and gave them at graduation out on their desks. Here are a few lines I want to dedicate to them from that book today:

"Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds (like ME) as you go. So be sure when you step (or dance!). Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!"

-Dr. Seuss

Good luck gentlemen!!! I can't wait to see where this journey takes you both!

~Mr. Hillz

In Retrospect

2010-05-23T21:14:00.002-05:00

This has been a very tough week! It began when my administration pulled us into an impromptu meeting on monday, and decided that we needed to have our grades in by the end of the week. Now this doesn't seem like that much of a problem, unless you understand that the student's finals have been planned for the following week since the beginning of the year. I had planned to use every second up until the following week to help my students review and do well on their finals. I walked away from that meeting disheartened and very fearful that many of my students would not be able to really show how much they have learned.

The actual administration of the finals is one of the more painful processes I think I have ever been through. I truly believe that experience gave me a glimpse into what it must feel like to be a parent. Many of the students who had not shown up for the past month, and much less for the review, somehow decided just to come and take the final without any preparation. As many of them were taking the final, they would ask me very simple questions that I wished so badly that I could answer. It was so difficult to just stand by and watch them struggle, and my only reply was that I wished so badly they had come to the review so that I could have helped them. One of my students that had chosen to quit attending school during the last quarter was very angry with me during the final. We both knew that he would probably fail, and I was the easiest target to blame for this fact. He berated me during the test, purposely ignored my rules, cheated in an outright manner, and accused me of being racist when I finally told him that it was enough and he had failed. I tried to take a moment out in the hall and tell him that I was so sad that he had not taken me up on my numerous offers to meet him before and after school to get caught up. In fact I had to turn away a few times for fear that I would begin crying because I cared so much about his success. His only response was that everyone else inside was cheating, and that he didn't want me to teach him next year because I couldn't help him learn. I walked back into the classroom very disheartened only to find numerous students quickly copying down answers from a test they had stolen earlier that day.

I left that day with a whole host of negative feelings, and I realized that they all boiled down to one fact. I was so sad that we were not having the grand closure to the year that I had always envisioned. After working beyond our normal capacities this year, I wanted these students to finally see how much they had accomplished. Now, they were content merely to copy down the answers from someone else, or hand in a half completed test because they had missed all of the review and were not prepared for the final. It became painstakingly clear that I did not do enough to inspire these students this year. I did not instill in them a desire and a love for learning. In fact, I don't even think I liked being in my classroom a majority of the time this year. I know that they are a whole host of excuses as to why things occurred this way, but I can only say that I want it to be different next year.

I have just finished grading their finals and I am ecstatic to report that my Biology II class surpassed the goal of 80% mastery with an 81%. My chemistry classes were not far behind with 78% mastery. This is incredible because this proves that these students have learned enough this year to make up for lost time. As I watch my seniors preparing to pass on to college, I can only hope that something they have been taught this year will stick and help them to be successful in college. The statistics tell me that over half of them will give up within the first few months and return home, where many of them will live out the duration of their lives in between prison and the streets. I keep trying to convince myself that if I have changed this fate for just one of these beautiful children, it is enough. Also, we found out tonight that our future program director for Teach For America was killed in a car accident last night. My heart goes out to her friends and family at this time, and I can only hope that they will receive some peace and guidance during this difficult trial.

~Mr. Hillz

Looking Backward

2010-05-11T16:57:00.007-05:00

Well, I can't believe we are finally here! I keep thinking back to the picture I posted on 8/28/09 and remember thinking that I would never survive until May. There is so much in my heart and mind at this point that I'm not even sure I can put it to words accurately. I guess the word to capture it is grace. I am so grateful for this experience and how it has moved through me and changed me. I am so grateful for these kids that have tested me time and time again just to be sure that I truly do love them. I think in some way they can't understand why I would care so much for them, and are even more baffled as to why they deserve it. The end of the year has been so interesting as the relationships I have been building all year are finally coming to fruition. These students are learning and are much more capable of succeeding academically with each passing day. I am both surprised and humbled by their resilience. We have had so many wonderful experiences in these past few months that I feel guilty for not making more time to share them. Here is a quick rundown-

1. Two of my students rode their bikes/walked to school for Earth day so that they could make one small difference. This inspired me so much, that a fellow teacher and I left for school an hour and a half early the following day to ride our bikes to school. After numerous run-ins with road kill, almost getting hit by a school bus, and a little swack (sweaty back) we eventually made it. We also watched the music video Michael Jackson made entitled Earth Song to focus on what we could do to help the Earth. I had a few wide eyed students stay after class and tell me that they made a pact that they would only recycle from here on out. They were really touched by the video!

2. I had the opportunity to teach a few first graders an African dance for their play. Yes I am aware of the irony involved when one of the only white males at the school is teaching an African dance, but I was glad to do it all the same. I wish you could have seen the eyes of these little ones light up when they danced. I think it just must be in their genetics :)

3. We are 2 weeks away from graduation and all of my students are preparing to take their finals and see exactly how much growth they have made. I am moderately sure that we are going to reach our goal of 80% mastery, which would mean we have made up for lost

time. I guess the only concerning part about all of this is that many of the students are no longer coming to school because they still are not convinced of the value in it. However, I have to chuckle a little bit because most of the seniors gripe at me daily that my class is one of the only ones they know they still have to show up for :) Maybe I will convince them that education is important after all!

I have to admit that I am beyond exhausted and I don't think my body would hold up if I were attempting to do this mission for more than 2 years. In fact I am writing this from bed as I had to take off of work for sickness. A rather large tornado came right past my home a few weeks ago and completely destroyed a few towns just down the road. I went with my church one Sunday afternoon to help clean up the debris, and could not believe the destruction left in the tornado's wake. I have never been this close to a natural disaster before. Everytime I start to feel tired and sorry for myself, I remember the look on the family's faces as they worked tirelessly to remove whole trees from their dilapidated homes. If they can survive losing everything they owned, I know I can survi

ve this.

I have included some pictures of the students receiving the supplies that many people worked so tirelessly to donate. These supplies are one of the main reasons that we are going to reach our goal this year. Without them, the students would have no way of keeping track of everything they have accomplished. We thank all of you for your time/support and hope these pictures can be a small token of our gratitude.

~Mr. Hillz Class (2010)

Good News

2010-02-21T21:14:00.003-06:00

I thought I would take a moment and fill you in on all of the good news that has happened within the past few weeks. First of all, I realized that I am truly having an impact on many of these students. I lost all of my 9th graders this quarter, because we had to make room to prepare for the state tests. Therefore, all of the freshman go to the computer lab instead of coming to my classroom. It has been interesting to observe their response to this change. I expected them to be elated, because they constantly complained about how hard they had to work in my class. In contrast, most of the students have come back to tell me that they miss my class. They complain that they cannot learn from the computers, and even try to come to my class when they are supposed to be in the computer lab. I have to smile when one of my most difficult 9th grade students comes to my door every morning and waits for me to say hello. In that moment I know all of this work has made some small difference.

I am also very excited about all of the donations we've received. So many people have been so willing to give, and it is making a huge difference in what we are able to accomplish. Many of the students now have binders and notebooks, which is a battle I do not have to fight any longer. They are so adorable with how carefully they place papers in their notebooks, as if they are too fragile to handle the slightest amount of weight. I have also been able to purchase items that will allow us to keep the materials we've received in our classroom. I cannot trust them to take the materials home, because many of the students are not adept at staying organized. We have also received a projector from Donors Choose. org that will be arriving shortly. I cannot imagine the great strides we will make when I can show these students what we are learning in a visual manner. They are so capable, but get lost in a language that is almost completely foreign to them. They do not speak in the same language that textbooks are written in, therefore they must learn a foreign language to be successful in a school setting. I will continue to work on literacy with these students, but it will no longer be at the expense of the science topics we are supposed to be covering.

I also have had some exciting strides happen within the classroom. Most of the classes reached the 76% comprehension mark as of their most recent final exams. This is very exciting because our goal for them to make "significant gains" this year is 80% mastery. Therefore, we are well on our way in spite of all of the set backs we have come up against. I also have realized how much I am truly asking of these students by their intense anger over recent assignments. For the first time in many of their school careers, I have required them to read information out of a textbook at home and take a quiz on it the next day. This concept is completely foreign to most of the students, but I have to say that many of them are becoming quite adept at this necessary skill. I also required them to write a 5 paragraph essay in response to a statement about the validity of genetic technology in American society within a 30 minute time frame. I have to say that I took quite a beating from all of the students for this one, and even had to send some students to the principal because I was afraid of their intense reactions. However, in the end I helped them to understand that most standardized tests require this type of work, and many of the students actually outperformed my expectations. So I guess I just wanted to sum this up with a simple THANK YOU! Thank you to all of those who have been working for a group of students that you may never meet. Trust me when I tell you that they are truly incredible human beings and there is no limit as to what they can accomplish. As you can see we are having some great successes, and I know that all of this success cannot be attributed just to me. We are so grateful for your selflessness and will continue to move forward as a result of it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

~Mr. Hillz (this is the nickname my students have given me)

The only constant is change

2010-02-01T11:15:00.003-06:00

I have come to realize that the only constant out here is change. It seems that everyone is moving at a frantic pace in this setting because everything seems to be failing. As a result, we never give any solutions a fair chance, because we are so worried that they will fail just like their predecessors. A prime example of this failing philosophy is that my classes are being changed for the third time this year. This new information confirms my fear that I will receive a new set of classes during each of the four quarters this year. I do understand that they are hoping that these changes will help the students pass their state exams, but I wonder if the constant change could be the primary reason they fail in the first place. There is something to be said for a class that is lucky enough to remain with one teacher throughout the entire year. They are able to learn how that teacher operates and work toward meeting the expectations of the teacher. It seems that just as I invest my students enough to work toward achieving my lofty goals, they are taken from me. I wish so badly that we could find some consistency here, because it is evident that these students must deal with enough unsurety outside of school.

I will now be teaching advanced biology, chemistry, physics, and helping with my former intro to biology classes. I think that if a first year teacher can survive 4 preps, he/she can probably do almost anything!

I had a very disheartening experience within the past few weeks. My phone was stolen at school, and I found out that in the interim that over 4000 dollars worth of calls were made to a foreign country. Many students came forward and told me the name of the student who they saw with my phone, and I was summoned to testify against him in court this week. I have to say that this was a very hard experience. All I wanted from him was recognition of the pain and problems he caused as a result of his careless actions. Unfortunately, I did not receive anything of the sort, but was instead verbally attacked by his family for forcing them to travel from their home. They made incessant remarks about my stupidity in leaving my phone service on after the phone was stolen, but little did they know that I was only trying to allow their son to make amends for his actions. I will never forget the look of sheer hatred he gave me as I left that courtroom, only to return after they summon my students in to testify against him. I realize now how ignorant it was to believe that my efforts to educate these children would be met with open arms. Instead I've been verbally bashed, stolen from, and made out to be a complete fool. I am learning that even when we are trying to do much good, we will be met with just as much opposition. I can only hope this battle will come to a quick close.

2010-01-18T21:15:00.003-06:00

These are the performances that dance club did at the mid year celebration for the Mississippi Delta corps of Teach for America.

Looking Back to Move Forward

2010-01-18T19:48:00.002-06:00

It was a very interesting experience to spend Martin Luther King day here in the South. I started the day by watching the "I have a dream speech" on You Tube, and finished it ironically touring the magnificent ruins of homes left by slave owners of the past. There was a part of the speech that caught my attention today, that has never caught my attention before: "I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice." I was forced to stop after this statement and consider the current state of Mississippi and whether the dreams of this inspiring man have begun to be fulfilled. At first, I was quick to focus on the flaws surrounding the current condition of this mysterious land. For instance, the man who took our tickets for our tour of the Antebellum homes was very quick to point out that although today was the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr., tomorrow is the birthday of Robert E. Lee. This statement literally took my breath away, and I wondered how Martin Luther King would feel about the state of Mississippi today. I gained some comfort as I thought about my 27 other close friends working feverishly to educate the future African American leaders of this nation.

The other part of the speech that always strikes a chord with me is: "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." I wondered to myself what an outsider would think of the content of my student's character. I have to be honest that I am fearful for many of them. They seem to be at war with themselves as they try to define what it means to be African American during 2010. I told many of them during a breakdown moment last week that they didn't deserve the title of Future Leaders of the World, because at this point I am afraid to have them lead anything. I will be asking my students tomorrow how they think outsiders would view the content of their character. Stay posted for their answers :)

Although there is much to be fearful about in the lives of these students, that means there is also much to hope for. I had an experience upon my return from Christmas break that propelled me headfirst back into my mission here. During my first night home, I had a student call me and tell me that he needed someone to talk to. I was worried that this might be crossing some lines as a teacher, but the earnestness in his voice forced me to momentarily ignore these fears. I met him at the high school, and sat for a good amount of time shooting the breeze and wondering why he sounded so desperate on the phone. All at once his walls collapsed and a flood of emotion came out as he explained that he had been kicked out of his home. He explained that his mom did not agree with the person he was dating, and he had been trying to provide for himself and his love ever since. I asked him how he was making money to survive, and he told me that he was selling candy at school to pay for gas to get to school. That explained why he was so reluctant to meet me at the school, because he was not sure he would have enough gas to make it back to his makeshift residence. The conversation then returned back to regular student banter about school, and the moment was over as quickly as it came. Just before leaving, I asked him if he would allow me to fill up his truck. He was very quiet for a moment, and then whispered: "that would be nice." I tried to talk to him on the way to fill up the car, but his responses were very short and quiet. As I continued to invent questions to keep the conversation going, he finally stopped talking, began sobbing and laid his head on my shoulder. I felt him release all of the tension and fear he had been holding on to in that moment, and told him that he needed to allow people to take care of him too. This experience forced me to realize the intense amount of adult strain that these children are under. Many of them are raising their parent's children or their own children before they have had time to complete their own childhood. I could feel his fear as to the uncertain future, because he is much too young to face the gravity of the situation that he is forced to bear. I only hope that he will continue to find more moments where he can just be a kid and find relief.

Resilience

2009-12-13T20:25:00.003-06:00

I am so inspired by the resilience and ability of these wonderful children to overcome their circumstances on a daily basis. L.R. is one student who continues to amaze me. She wakes up at 4:30 every morning because she lives so far away from the bus stop that she has to drive just to reach it. She then waits on the bus for 2 hours before it finally arrives at school and her day truly begins. This week their family car broke down, and her mother had no way to get her to school. Out of desperation so that she wouldn't miss dance practice, and consequently the performance this weekend, she called me in the hopes that I could pick her up. I have spent the past few days in the car with this impressive young woman, listening to her hopes, fears, and dreams. She is so driven to join the medical field, and yet their is a pain in my heart as I imagine the difficulties she will face in pursuing this arduous path. Her education has been sub par at best, and even with her incredible hope and drive, I wonder whether it will be enough to pull her through. She recently told me that her mom will have to sell their trailer in order to fix the car, so that they can continue attending school. They will be forced to move for the 3rd time since school began in August. Every student has a story similar to this one, and it is amazing to learn what they have gone through just to make it to school on a daily basis.

On a lighter note, Dance club went on its first tour up to Delta State to perform for the end of the semester celebration. This was quite the feat as we had to rehearse every day up to the performance in a last minute effort to finish our Christmas swing Dance. Not only did this entail hours of rehearsal, but hours spent driving all of the students home after we were finished. We practiced in my living room (that is where the picture was taken), in every hallway in our school, and even in my garage. We then had to make to separate trips in order to provide a way for the students that were taking the ACT to and from Delta State. In the end I have to say...IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT!! I wish you all could have seen their faces as they stood in front of 400 screaming fans thanking them for their inspiration and hard work. C made the comment on the way to the performance that he didn't sleep all night, because he was so nervous about his first time performing. LaM laughed as he told me that he had practiced the swing dance all night with his grandmother. He said that she knew the dance inside and out by the time they were through. I am so proud of these incredible kids, and I am ecstatic that they are coming to understand the reward that can only come through hard work and perserverance. I actually messed up a few times during the dance because I couldn't help but watch them and smile. Don't worry there is a video to follow :)

Dance Club Rehearsal

2009-12-05T17:16:00.003-06:00

November 5th, 2009

How can you help?

2009-11-22T17:28:00.010-06:00

(Guest post by Jaremy's favorite Aunt Katie)

I'm sure that many of you have been reading this blog and wondering what you can do to help. Well, we have the answer. As Jaremy has mentioned previously on this blog, this school is located in the lowest performing school district in the lowest performing state in the nation. Most of his students come from the poorest of circumstances and hope for much better. They can not afford to buy their own supplies, and when Jaremy supplies them they don't seem to make it back to class. I am currently organizing a few different groups that are putting together supply kits for each one of Jaremy's students (130 total) and was hoping we could get all of you, Jaremy's friends, involved. I have talked to Jaremy and identified the basic supplies needed to help him teach these students better. We are going to put the supplies together into kits that will stay in the class room for use there. Our hope is that this project will not only supply the kids with things they need to learn, but also show them that there are people out there that care about their success.

(my kids, Max and Afton, holding a completed school kit)

We have already put together a few kits and found that each one costs about $10.00. My hope is that every one of you will sponser 1 student by donating enough money to purchase the supplies for 1 kit. I know that money is tight for most of us, but think of what you could give up this month in order to help with this project: 1 lunch at Cafe Rio, one night out at the movies, I'm sure we can all think of one thing we can skip this month. I know, I'm starting to sound like one of those infomercials 'for the cost of just one cup of coffee a day you can feed an entire village'. We have done this as a family and have already completed 25 kits and hope to do another 60-70 this Thanksgiving weekend. But that still isn't enough. Wouldn't it be awesome if we could make up the difference with a little help from Jaremy's friends?

So, if you feel like you can help out there are 2 ways we can do this: You can send me the money and I will purchase the supplies for you, or you can contact me and I'll give you a detailed list of what needs to be in the kit (it is very important that the kits be exactly the same) and you can get them to me. You are welcome to do more than 1 kit if you'd like. This would be a great FHE tomorrow night! Or maybe you know of a group or family that is looking for a place to make a donation. We really want to have them all done by next weekend so Jaremy can take them back with him after Thanksgiving. That isn't a lot of time so if you can help contact me asap! If you live in the Utah County area you are welcome to join us assembling kits on the 28th at noon at Jaremy's house. It's gonna be a blast so I hope you will all help out as you can.

(our family after completing 29 kits on Saturday)

Thank you all so much for your continued support of Jaremy!!

Love,

Aunt Katie

kthigbee@yahoo.com

PS. It would be great if all of Jaremy's friends could post a link to this on FB and twitter so that friends that aren't aware of this blog can be directed to it... let's make sure everyone has a chance to get involved. We can certainly use all the help we can get!

UPDATE: I have set up a paypal account that you can donate through if you would like. I'm new to paypal, but I think you just select the 'send money' tab and then enter my email address (kthigbee@yahoo.com) and the amount, be sure to mark it as a gift so there won't be any fees, and send it. Should be pretty simple. Let me know if you do this so I can make sure it comes through. Thanks everyone... we are up to 80 kits!! Only 50 more to go!!

simple successes

2009-11-15T21:05:00.002-06:00

I realized that I am spending quite a bit of time focusing on the difficult aspects of this situation, without taking the time to relish the small successes that are occurring. On thursday I was trying my best to teach passive transport to a group of 9th graders who had no concept of what a percentage was. After inventing a dance move on the spot to teach them how concentration gradients reach equilibrium, I finally moved on to independent practice in order to have them show what they did and did not understand. I put three problems on the board, had the students work on them individually, and then called on students to come up to the board and share their answers. As we came to the last problem, Rob enthusiastically raised his hand. Now I have to explain that Rob is and exceptional ed student, which means that the school does not have the same expectations for him as other students. He spends most of the class looking off into space, mumbling something incomprehensible, and then laughing emphatically at his own genius. Whenever I put notes on the board for the students to copy down, Rob somehow knots his hoodie around his head so that he can pretend like the notes aren't there. He has a very hard time writing anything, and it must be very frustrating to spend the entire period trying to write down the same three words. I have a way of silencing the class that Rob has really taken a liking to. I refer to them as my F.L.O.W (future leaders of the world) and to get their attention I say "flow get low." Everytime I do this Rob repeats it at least 3 times, getting progressively louder until he is screaming at the top of his lungs, and then bursts into giggles. Needless to say, I hesitated on having Rob come up to the board and questioned whether he understood what I was asking them to do. Against my better judgement I called on him and handed him the white board marker. He took it with purpose and proceeded to write isotonic on the board. I couldn't believe my eyes, that was the correct answer. Hoping this wasn't just by chance I continued to ask him where the water would move by osmosis and what would happen to the cell as a result. He turned to me, did the little dance move I had taught earlier, and recited the correct answer to both questions. The entire class started clapping for him and saying "good job rob!" I had to turn away because my eyes started watering.

I have been having quite a few discussions with period 3 about respecting the opposite sex. These teachable moments have become so valuable, because I realized that these students are completely surrounded by people that are very similar to them. They rarely hear viewpoints that differ from those they have been raised with. They also speak in derogatory terms, because they are not used to being around people that act or think differently from themselves. Everyday after 3rd period I remind the male students to respect the women in their lives, and I tell the women to always be worthy of that respect. I wasn't sure whether this message was being internalized until last week. I have had to move to a policy of everyone remaining in their seats during class time, because they do not have the self control to handle that type of freedom. H.T. was out of his seat for the third time that day without permission, and I snapped at him because I was tired of reminding him about this important rule. He quickly turned to me and whispered that he was sorry, but he was taking over a paper to the hand-in box for one of the girls in the classroom. I was so shocked by this gentle gesture that I stood their with my mouth open as he gingerly placed the young lady's paper on my desk. The next day he showed up to class with a teddy bear and a basket of candy that he was planning on giving to one of the young ladies in class. He spent the entire period asking if he could give it to her yet. I calmly reminded him that he could have the last 5 minutes of the period, and smiled to myself as he giddily handed it to her watching intently for any sort of facial expression that would divulge her feelings about the gift. I realized that day that although we are behind where we should be in biology, we are sure making some strides in life's important lessons.

`Mr. Hillz

I quit teaching.

2009-11-09T15:17:00.002-06:00

This is the moment that I was always afraid might happen, but it wasn't as tragic as I expected. My seventh period class is completely out of control. They completely ignore me when I am at the board teaching, and they don't even listen when I call out their names to respond to questions. Whenever I am teaching a new concept, most of the class yells out that they don't understand and then they throw down their pencils in protest. Now, that is assuming they had pencils and paper out to start with. After about a half hour of them yelling that they shouldn't have to work today, and telling me they don't understand because I'm a bad teacher, I finally stopped. I put down the whiteboard marker, told them to close their books, and I quit teaching. I told them that I couldn't teach them like this, and they should enjoy it because they complain that every day is not a free day. I was actually mildly surprised by some of their reactions. Many of them sat there in disbelief, most of them kept on with their conversations, and a few of them actually begged me to go on. I refused, so they came up to the whiteboard and actually started trying to teach each other. Now given this was only about three people in the class of twenty four, but I at least knew these few wanted to learn. I am going to have to lay down the law again and become very strict, which I have to admit feels like it goes against my nature quite a bit. I hate being the bad guy, and I like the fact that many of my students tell me that I'm their favorite teacher. I don't want to be the guy that throws them out of class right after they just told me how much they love being here. Wait a minute, that is probably why they love my class so much, because I allow them to talk all period. The only thing I know is that we can't continue on like this, because at this rate they might as well not show up.

During sixth period a group of 6 boys showed up at my door and tried to jump one of the students sitting in my class. Luckily, I got to the door fast enough to get it shut and locked, but then the young man in my class proceeded to try and push me out of the way. I took him into the lab and had him explain to me what was going on. He mentioned that one way or another these boys were going to fight, and I told him that he should at least wait until he got home so the school didn't send him away again. I have had to realize that fighting is very much a way of life around here, so the next best option is to get them to fight at home. Perhaps someday I can drill it into their heads that whatever they think they're defending is not worth it, but for now I'll do everything possible to keep them in my class. I explained to him that if he was sent to the alternative school again, he would only copy out of the book for a year and never have a chance at college. He would spend the rest of his life fighting these same ridiculous fights with the same people. I know he believed me when I told him that he is intelligent and could do great things. I just don't know if it was enough to keep him from the fight. I took him out of my class early so the boys couldn't find him there, and took him to the office to wait until passing period was over. I then arranged for him to sit in a classroom with one of the other teachers during the last period of the day, but during this time he somehow disappeared. I don't know what is going to happen with him tonight, but I can only hope something I said may have stuck. I'm exhausted.

Coronation

2009-11-01T19:05:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe we survived this week! Homecoming week is officially over and the first performance of the dance club is behind us. We had the opportunity to dance as mummies at the Egyptian coronation ball. It was truly incredible! The audience went crazy and they absolutely loved it. Everyone kept telling us congratulations, and they said that is was so refreshing to see something so new and so incredibly good. Had I not been completely wrapped up in cheesecloth and toilet paper I would have seen that we got a standing ovation after we finished our little performance. The next day the administration at my school was already planning our next performance. I am so proud of these devoted students and grateful that I had the opportunity to dance with them. They truly deserved all of the recognition they received. These students have practiced this on their own more hours than I can track, and have been a part of every process of the performance, including picking out the costumes. Speaking of costumes, they actually turned out beautifully. We wrapped toilet paper around our arms and legs, and then covered it with cheesecloth and special Halloween fabric. I knew the costumes were perfect when all of the little kids started crying once we entered the gym :)

The next morning was quite the surprise when I found out during first period that we would be performing for the elementary school assembly and the high school pep rally. Since it was the day before Halloween, I planned a special lesson complete with a dead body, made of 2 crumpled pillows, under a bloody sheet. We have been learning about DNA, so I figured it would interesting for the kids to solve a murder mystery using what they've learned. I told the students once they entered that someone in our classroom was dead and that someone in there did it. I thought this whole idea was both comedic and clever, until one of the students raised her hand and said: "Mr. Hillz this isn't funny, someone from our grade dies every year! I'm not playing because I don't want to end up being the one who dies this year." I was both shocked and embarassed that I hadn't forseen this outcome. Once again, it became all too clear that I am in a completely foreign culture. Other than that little hitch, the game turned out to be quite fun and interesting for most of the students.

I had to stop and laugh at myself once it became time for me to prepare to go perform with dance club for the elementary school assembly. I found myself being wrapped up in toilet paper and trying at the same time to teach my students about all of the organelles inside of the cell. I guess if there's one thing that is good about my teaching, it is that I try to teach at all costs. I even stood at the front of the room and barked orders once the cheesecloth had been wrapped over my mouth and my students could barely understand the words coming out of my mouth. It has become very concerning to me by the amount of teachers who merely try to appear like they are doing their jobs. It is no secret in this district that there are teachers who either have their students watch movies all day or merely open their books and pretend to be working. In fact, my students are very angry that I make them learn and do work every day of the week. they are not used to this kind of exhausting drive. However, I know that it is the work of ambivalent teachers that has allowed my students to reach the 9th grade without being able to read past a 2nd grade reading level. With the amount of lost time that we must make up for, I know that I have to stand in front of my class as a mummy and continue teaching. I only hope that I am not too late.

-Mr. Hillz

How the other folks live

2009-10-25T21:19:00.007-05:00

The only word to describe my current view of things is disillusionment. I cannot believe some of these events have actually happened, and worse I cannot believe that this is all happening in the year 2009. We spent last weekend in Oxford with all of the upper class, white families of Mississippi. This world could not have been further from the world that I live in. People were actually wearing fur and diamonds to "watch" the Ole Miss football game. The reason we were there was because our landlords paid for us to stay in their private condo in Oxford. It is so amazing to witness the willingness of these people to give, which I guess explains why they call this the hospitality state. However, I couldn't help but wonder if they would treat my students with this same hospitality. My question was answered one night as we began to talk about race. The comment was made that African Americans were actually better off before the civil rights acts. I attempted to understand instead of judge this comment, and was actually surprised by what I learned. They went on to explain that they wish for the success of the African American people. They also pointed out that in earlier decades the whites were able to help the blacks that worked for them economically. Now a majority of "them" have a lot of anger toward the whites, but unfortunately the whites own most of the business endeavors in this state. Therefore, there are not many places for prideful African Americans to go to change their economic conditions. I found this explanation very interesting, and couldn't necessarily argue with it because the statistics show that a majority of the African Americans in this community are unemployed (20%). These interactions have changed my preconceived notions that most people in the South are racist. Oddly enough they actually made the comment that they know how they are perceived by northerners. Their race relations are just much different than those that occur in the North.

We had an assembly this week that was meant to award those students who worked toward noteworthy academic achievements within the first 9 weeks. Most of the students would not stand when their names were called, and they were talking too loudly to hear most of the announcements. The principal stood up and angrily said that if anyone else spoke, he would cancel the assembly. Of course many of the students started screaming, and he told them it was over. This was quite a bold move considering that many parents had shown up to see their children receive awards. However, I understand the necessity for the principal to follow through on what he says he's going to do. Empty threats only create more havoc with these kids. It is also sad to watch the same few students ruin most everything for the rest of the people. As I stood up to leave with a few of the students, the prinicipal yelled that none of us were dismissed. I sat back down thinking he was yelling at me, and many of the students began laughing at my reaction. I was quite embarassed :)

We had some wonderful conversations about respecting the opposite sex this week. I actually stopped fighting them to learn, and took these teachable moments to discuss topics they felt were more applicable to their lives. One of my students was bragging about how he cannot commit to just one women. I find this cavalier attitude very concerning considering that I have at least one 14 year old that just announced she is pregnant, another 17 year old who is 8 months along, and 3 students in one period that already have at least one child. They have coined the terms "baby's mama" and "baby's daddy" to represent those people who have produced a child, but otherwise have no other obligations to one another. This concept is frightening to me, and only becomes compounded as I listen to my 9th grade boys laugh about all of the children they plan to produce. Mind you, fathering is not even mentioned in this same thought, it merely comes down to how many women they can impregnate. I immediately became the father of morality trying to convince them that having a child in wedlock would be the best option for the child. I also spoke to these young men about what it truly means to cherish and care for a young women. They thought I was crazy, but it was the reactions of the girls that I will never forget. They seemed entranced to hear a man talk about their worth. I wonder if they ever feel they are destined to do more than merely become the baby's mama for a few careless men. My purpose truly was to wake up the women in the room. Study after study has shown that if you want to change the actions of men in a community, change the expectations of the women. Once the women can see their own intrinsic worth, they will not settle for the least that the men are prepared to give. I told these young women to become the women that men must respect, and they will not have to worry if "someone will stick around." Since that day I have reminded the men to be respectful of the women in their lives, and the women to constantly strive to be worthy of that respect before I dismiss them from class. We'll see if any of these idealistic views are actually able to penetrate the one track world they live in.

Scenes from an Italian restaurant

2009-10-11T20:01:00.003-05:00

I had a really sweet experience on friday that I needed to share. It all began with the realization that the dance club will be performing at the Coronation Ball this week. The theme for homecoming is Egypt and with Halloween close at hand we naturally decided to be dancing mummies. Our performance will consist of an egyptian hip-hop dance, that transitions into Beyonce's "Single Ladies," and then ends with a tribute to Michael Jackson's Thriller! Now I have to admit that we are having a difficult time not getting caught up in competing with all of the other groups that will be performing. As a result, we decided we needed to head down to one of the bigger cities and look for costumes. D and Ken decided to join Courtney and I on this little trek, and were so excited they brought home made permission slips. We spent the entire car ride singing along to Disney songs, which I have to admit was completely unexpected. Even with as crazy as the world is surrounding these kids, they still choose to watch something so mild as Disney Channel. We also played a game where each person had to ask the entire group a question, and each person was required to answer. D finally took off his headphones to let us know that if he could be any animal in the world, he would choose a Komodo Dragon. He then proceeded to part hip-hop dance and part attack Ken as what I can only assume was a Komodo Dragon. We were literally laughing the entire night! After 2 hours of uneventful shopping, we headed out in search of some dinner. Courtney and I wanted to take these two young men out for a nice dinner, because they mentioned they had never really been to a nice restaurant before. We finally settled on a very nice Italian restaurant, because neither of them were sure whether they had ever had Italian food before. I think if I were an outsider, this whole event would have been quite entertaining. I'm sure these two young men looked a little bit out of place wearing their school uniforms, and standing in the middle of a large group of upper class white folk. However, they were both so enthralled by all of the items on the menu that they didn't even seem to notice. They merely resorted to asking us how to pronounce everything on the menu. Once we were finally seated, they made us order for them because they weren't sure what they would like. Courtney and I tried to find the meals that most resembled fried chicken, which is the meal they both admitted to liking the most. We also ordered a few fun menu items for them to try. The beet and arugula salad was especially fun to watch as they approached it like a living, breathing entity. They were frightened to put their forks into the beets, and hesitated until we handed them some cheese to smear on top. We spent the rest of the evening making wise cracks at each other, which I'm quickly learning is how these young people tell you they like you. We were all so stuffed by the end of dessert that D walked out of the restaurant hunched over. He also made a comment during dinner that really caught my attention. He mentioned that he was tired of the way all of the white people were looking at him, and that he just wanted to do something to startle them since it seemed that is what they were expecting. I honestly hadn't noticed anything unusual until he made that comment, and then became overly aware of every gesture and look that came our direction. It must be exhausting to always feel that heightened sense of awareness, and to act as though you have something to prove. Kenny just resigned to hide in the corner, which I can't help but believe was a reaction to the environment. When the bill came they couldn't believe how expensive it was, and they both tried to hand us the few dollars their parents had sent them with. They were even more surprised when Courtney and I handed over our cards. Both of these young men mentioned that they couldn't think of the last time when anyone had taken them out to a nice restaurant. I just laughed it off, because I honestly couldn't comprehend that thought. We had some very interesting conversations about college, their future dreams, and their families. It was so sad to hear both of these young men mention that they hadn't seen their fathers in very long time. Kenny even went as far as telling us that he just wished his dad would never try to contact him anymore, because it makes life too complicated. I kept hearing the words of principal, when he mentioned on my first week that I may be the only father that many of these students know. That is why I took it as a compliment when one young girl in my first period class called me dad and then quickly corrected herself.

We finished the night at Wal Mart and resolved that the best we could do for the costumes would be to wrap ourselves up in toilet paper. I mentioned that I felt like it was kind of ghetto to wear toilet paper, and Kenny just laughed and said that it is good thing that we're in the ghetto. We lost D for a few minutes only to find him practicing our dance down one of the aisles, and I quickly joined him. We sang the entire way home, and they both thanked us most graciously once we finally arrived at each of their porches. Courtney and I just turned to each other and said: "this is why I teach for America!"

Race

2009-10-08T20:13:00.006-05:00

Well, I have to admit that I feel a lot better about my crying episode last week. One of my students told me today that they had a sub for an entire year during their freshman year. They had four teachers come in during that year, and each of them promptly quit after two weeks on the job. So I guess I can say that I at least passed the 2 week mark! They also made a point to tell me that two of those teachers were white. This was not surprising because most of the teachers were actually making bets on how long we would last during this year. There was even a nasty rumor being passed around the district that many of the people in the administrative office believed "white people cannot teach black children." As preposterous as that accusation is, my roommates and I are not entirely sure they are wrong...yet. They have never had a white person be anything but inconsistent with them. They need someone from the outside to prove to them that they truly do care, even through all of the tests they put us through.

Our little town threw us a welcoming party yesterday. During the induction speech, the superintendent mentioned that this is the first year my school district found enough teachers to fill all of the teaching positions. They literally cannot find teachers willing to come and teach in this area. We also learned that our district has officially achieved the title of the lowest performing school district in the state of Mississippi, which is the lowest performing state in the nation. Many of these students have literally had a substitute teacher for an entire year, where they did nothing but socialize in the classroom. I am humbled and grateful for this incredible opportunity all at the same time.

It seems like the theme for today was race, because many of my students asked why white people do not intermix with black people. Their views of white people were both very interesting and distorted. They mentioned that white people just don't like black people because they are too loud and like to party too much. One student mentioned that white people would call the cops on him if they were his neighbors, however another student then retorted that black people have also called the cops on him. I was very surprised by the faith A.R. expressed in white people, as he said he believed they're not racist and would intermingle with black people if they had a reason to do so. The question was then posed as to whether the world is still segregated. Many of the student's sat shaking their heads until the question was posed: "do you see any white kids sitting in this classroom?" I didn't really want to interfere with the thought process that was occurring, but I mentioned to them that I hoped in the future they would work to unite white and black people. I told each of them that the reason I was here was because I believed that white people had a lot to learn from black people, and vice versa. They all nodded in agreement and then went back to laughing at the fact that I couldn't pronounce Gucci Mane properly.

Z came into the classroom very somberly today. I proceeded to ask her what was wrong, but she only shook her head and tried to hold back the tears. I told her instead of doing her Bell Ringer she could write down what she was feeling. She finished her note a few moments later and quietly slipped it on my desk. "My mom told me today that I don't respect her at all when all I try to do is show her respect and she told me to get out her house in she dont want to see me again." I'm not sure where Z is sleeping tonight, but I do know that she worked harder today than she ever has because she finally understood the impact education could have on her situation. She was the first to finish our 9 weeks exam today, and she went on to receive one of the highest scores in the entire grade.

Rock Bottom

2009-10-06T21:22:00.005-05:00

Well...we officially hit rock bottom today. It all began during third period, when my program director from Teach for America showed up unexpectedly to observe me. I planned to do a review game for our 9 weeks exam, but quickly found out that wasn't going to work. This is by far my worst class and they were bound and determined to prove just how bad they could get today. I have 3 boys in that class who enjoy doing nothing but taunting the other students who are attempting to work. I spend half the class asking them to stop making sexual advances at the girls, or to quit blowing the drum major whistle, or to stop making beats on their desks so that J.T. will not jump up and start rolling his body inappropriately. I usually end up with one of them outside the door, one of them in the lab, and one of them that I'm pretending to write up so he'll sit in his seat. Then there are the 2 boys who stroll aimlessly around my classroom sharing comedic anecdotes and staring very intently at the posters that have been up since the beginning of the year. However, they usually make it back to their seat after one complete lap around the room. Oh and somehow K.W. got the basket I use to collect papers stuck on top of his head, and then proceeded to act surprised when I asked him to take it off. Then there's Danielle who sits in a different seat everyday, and then pretends that it has been her seat the whole year. She acts as though I'm the crazy one because I specifically remember that I stuck her in the farthest back corner, away from all humanity. These issues only escalated as students began threatening one another because they were losing this pointless game. I have never seen people who are so competitive, and you would think they were competing for their own survival. One of the teams inevitably realized they couldn't win, and resolved to sit and completely ignore me any time I dared ask them a question. Needless to say I was horrified to be observed today!

Then 4th period came along and I finally lost it. I couldn't take the emotional abuse anymore as the students questioned my ability to write a simple tally mark on the board. I finally started yelling at them and telling them I had no clue why I was out here. I told them I missed my family, I hated coming to school everyday, and it didn't even matter that I did because they couldn't remember a single thing we learned over the past 9 weeks. I also let it slip that none of this was even important, because I wasn't going to be their teacher anymore. They were being taken from me as a result of the new class that I am getting. I then actually broke down and began to cry. Yep, that's right, I cried in front of my entire class. Rock Bottom. I was crying for a majority of reasons. Most of the reasons centered around the fact that I am exhausted, frustrated, and my life is in shambles. I cannot take care of anything that I need to in my personal life, because I am so busy trying to help these students to learn. I told them that the way they treat people is the worst kind of disrespect, because these are people spending every waking moment trying to help them. Then they take our hard work, mock it, and throw it directly back in our faces. Oddly enough I was also so sad to be losing these students. Even under the exhaustion and anger, I have some of the closest bonds with these students. This is when many of them began crying too, and we just sat in silence and cried together. I have to say that I am completely embarrassed that things got to this point, but I am also glad they saw me as a human being for once. There was not question today as to whether I am capable of feeling for them, and most of them came up and apologized for their behavior afterwards. So there it is, nowhere to go but up from here :)

Mixed Emotions

2009-10-03T23:20:00.002-05:00

I think my conversations with Dontrell at the beginning of this week pretty much sum up how things are going. Dontrell is a senior who is determined to attend either Harvard or Yale for college. Now I have to admit that I'm not quite sure whether he knows the names of any universities outside Mississippi other than these two, but I still think it's a great goal to aspire to. I pick up Dontrell every saturday for ACT preparation because his family has no car, and I have to admit that I am quite astonished at the current state of his residence. One half of his home is caving in and happens to be completely flooded from the unusual amounts of rain we've received this year. He mentioned that he's been attempting to keep out the water on his own, but he hurt his hands so he quit. He was also apparently up on the roof nailing in scrap pieces of wood to keep the rain from leaking into the house, but he gave up after he realized his attempts were futile. Every day when I pick him up I ask him how his day is going, his answer is always the same. "Not good, I'm still here." I attempt to brighten the conversation with a few words about how close his future is and then I paint a picture about what college outside Mississippi will be like. He just shrugs and says that he wishes he were a cop so he could put all of these "crackheads" in jail. Dontrell is quite the character and he always keeps me laughing. He has so many thoughts at once that he stutters in his attempts to put them into words. I do notice that he sits alone at lunch most of the time and part of me wonders if it is because his peers don't appreciate his creativity like I do. He has been one of the few dedicated members of dance club and I am so glad that he has something that he feels he can be a part of. He seems to look forward to ACT prep too, because everyday that I arrive he is already on his porch with an old spiral notebook and pen in hand. The hard part is dropping him off afterwards. The moment we cross the train tracks into his makeshift town he always mumbles some remark about not wanting to go home. I have to admit that for a split second I start to elaborate plans that could keep us busy all day long, but I realize that I can't save him from this...yet. I think one day I will surprise him and just drive to the movies after ACT prep instead of taking him home, if only to give him a few more minutes to prepare to face all that he is up against.

As for myself, I am constantly being faced with the inadequacies of this educational system. I found out this week that due to poor planning and an inability to lure teachers into this district, I will be required to take on a new prep. This means that I will now be teaching 3 separate subjects as a first year teacher. I am already swimming frantically just to keep my students busy in 2 subjects, and I cannot even comprehend how I will manage 3. Although I must admit that I am somewhat excited that my new class will be with the seniors and I will either be teaching them physics or advanced biology. Both of these subjects are very interesting to me, and I know I could pass my enthusiasm for them on to the students. It seems that enthusiasm is the only thing keeping my students engaged at this point. Our one copier is broken again and I have worn out all of my dry erase markers. But somehow I will find a way to convince these students of the importance of macromolecules, and I will give them a 9 weeks exam even if I cannot copy it on paper! I have been asked to do so much with so little, but I am up to the challenge and I know that I will acquire materials in time. I have already begun filling out requests for grants and cannot wait to have materials at my disposal that will reach these children on a different level. Everything about their culture is so physical, it has become painfully clear that I cannot teach them without extremely visual representations. Right now we spend most of our time acting out biological and chemical concepts because I know that one thing I always have at my disposal are numerous bodies literally running around the classroom.

I have to admit that I became very discouraged this week because I realized that I couldn't control the outside distractions surrounding my classroom. Students are constantly being pulled out of the classroom for activities, testing, etc. and I lose enormous amounts of instructional time. I know that we will never be able to get through all that we must get through unless someone protects their time to learn. Over a quarter of the students were also out with the H1N1 virus (Swine Flu) this week, which is not surprising because many of the students seem to be sick all of the time. I am also faced with the dilemma over how to reach my 9th graders that are reading on a 2nd grade level. The answer the administration gave me was that I should include more pictures on my exams. In the back of my mind I was thinking: "or we could teach them to read." There are so many students that struggle with reading and we are only scratching the surface on the support they will need to attain competent literacy comprehension. There are just so many flaws in the system, but it seems that everyone wants to point the finger at the teachers. In one class I have 5 students with individualized education plans, not to mention 20 other students who are at a whole other range of learning levels, and I am supposed to be able to reach all of them in one 5o minute setting. Now I haven't even mentioned that we are interrupted by the intercom at least 4 times each period, and every time I finally get the class settled someone knocks on my door and asks for "permission to speak." Mind you this doesn't mean they are going to speak to the whole class, like I originally assumed, they plan to walk over to their friend and laugh about some joke that I cannot understand. Oh and on top of it I am tap dancing in the front of the room with dry erase markers, because that is all that I have at the moment to keep their attention :) It's all very comedic if you think about it, and I find myself breaking out into laughter daily over the ridiculousness of the whole situation. I do have to say that I wouldn't give up this experience for anything and I love these kids, especially my 11th graders who threatened to beat up the 9th graders that were giving me problems. Sadly, I have to admit that thought brightened my day.

Light Hearted Moments

2009-09-24T21:40:00.008-05:00

This has been quite the interesting week and I wanted to share some of the light hearted moments that have occurred with these people I am quickly coming to love. On tuesday I was able to diffuse another fight between a boy and girl in my chemistry class. They both came in screaming at one another and I successfully dragged the girl into the lab, and told the young man to cool off in the hall. Once the boy returned to class it was only a matter of time until the young lady heard his voice and came running back in from the lab swinging her arms wildly. I managed to catch her by the purse and lead her to the door. She just stopped and stood crying pathetically in front of the whole class once I was able to convince the boy to leave the room. I am amazed at how violently these young people will protect their personal image. It seems it may be one of the few things they have control over, and it protects them from ever having to display the reality of their situations. After crying for a few moments, she finally yelled something about not having to take this and headed for the door. I managed to slip her homework in her purse, mentioned that I didn't want her to fail my class, and told her that somehow I was glad she came today. She came back five minutes later and worked quietly until the end of the period. I experienced hot flashes for the rest of the day due to the stress of that interaction. Shaquille didn't really help to calm my nerves when he mentioned that I still haven't seen anything yet.

Earlier that day I engaged in one of the more inappropriate discussions that I have ever had with a group of 9th graders. They were speaking very inappropriately about sex and questioning me about my sex life. I knew that these kids needed a different perspective so I shared with them the importance of saving that special interaction for your spouse. Their response was that I must be celibate. I laughed and explained that I hoped to have sex one day, but this concept was completely foreign to them. The reality of this fact became more clear once I learned that 70% of the students in the graduating class last year had at least one child. 20% of the graduating class had more than 1 child, and one girl even mentioned to me that her grandmother was a great grandmother of 6 at the age of 52. It is clear that most of these students were raised by exceptionally young parents and this is the only world they know. Once I finished sharing my views on the topic, many of the boys in the class expressed their concern for my physical well-being. As a biology teacher I reassured them that I would be physically fine, if I waited to have sex until I was married.

I had the opportunity this week to begin working with the cheerleaders at our school with the hope that I would magically be able to teach them to do back hand springs. The reality of the task before me became very clear once I asked the first student to do a running cartwheel and she completed a full nose dive into the hardwood floor. I was also told we would have mats to practice on, but the mats turned out to be from the preschool and were only big enough for a 4 year old to sit comfortably on. We attempted to stack 10 of them in a line and piled them 3 high, but this became more of a health hazard as they slid every time someone even thought of jumping on them. I finally decided to take the girls outside once another girl attempted a hand stand on the wall and ended up sliding down the wall on her head. I figured the grass would be more forgiving to their kamikaze attempts to flail their bodies through the air. Once outside, I attempted to show them a round off back hand spring, and somehow managed to put my hand in a red anthill. I finished my trick covered in ants that were proceeding to bite my hand ferociously. Needless to say spotting their half hearted attempts at gymnastics with a swollen hand was not the best time I've had here.

I feel I am finally making progress in class because numerous students mentioned that they didn't ever want me to miss another day. The reason I had to miss was that my principal hinted that I should attend a very specific workshop on classroom management. When I returned, a few students actually said that it is more fun when I teach, and that I make science very easy for them to understand. I secretly cried a little bit. I also have not been able to get Sherman off of my mind this week. He is only a 9th grader and when I gave him a practice ACT test, he only missed one question. I told him after class today that I wanted him to start coming to the ACT prep class that all of the Teach For America teachers are hosting on Saturdays. He promptly asked his mom afterschool, and left a message at my house that he was so excited to come. I know that he must be destined for great things, and I am excited to be a part of his journey. Dance club is growing and they are trying to get me to teach 3 days a week. I have to say that these days actually more than make up for all of the struggles that come with this job.

R.I.P. Thomas

2009-09-21T21:25:00.003-05:00

I had a very interesting experience today with my first period students. I noticed immediately when they entered that they were not up to their usual games of chasing each other through my room and pretending to fight over seemingly trivial comments. I became somewhat concerned when Leanajawon and Sharome entered and slumped to their usual seats. Both of these young men always seem to carry an air of cool control. In fact, there are many times that I am positive they are more in control of the classroom than I am. However I noticed that both of their eyes were bloodshot today, and they seemed to be pushing back a well of emotion. As I tried to ask them if they were ok or if they needed to step outside for a moment, they both shrugged me off and Leanajawon made up some excuse about needing to head down to the office. I let him go, realizing that protons and neutrons would provide little comfort for whatever her was going through. The class continued in an almost sacred silence, and I found myself baffled as to how I had finally accomplished such superb classroom management. After a while of teaching, I finally stopped and asked what was going on. A young lady in the third row timidly raised her hand and avoided my gaze as she explained that her cousin was shot over the weekend. Apparently he had been a very dear friend to many of these young men, and they found themselves completely ill-equipped to handle so much emotion. We reached the point in my class where the students usually worked on their own to prove mastery of our objective for the day, but somehow this practice seemed trivial. I stopped and explained to them that during the times when I was really struggling, it would often help me to write down what I was feeling. Therefore, I announced that we would spend the last 10 minutes of class writing about whatever we felt like. The only point of the exercise was to continue writing until the 10 minutes were up. I turned on some music and stepped back as the students attacked their papers with a vigor I had yet to see in my classroom. At the end of the 10 minutes I explained to the students that I would love to hear what they wrote, but that I would only check to see they wrote something if they did not want me to read. One student who has caused many problems in my classroom promptly walked over to my makeshift desk, and calmly handed his paper over to me. I was very excited and concerned about whatever stories this young man had to share with me. These are his words:

"I feel that people are telling lies on me all the time about thing thats going on in life. Sometime I ask myself what am I doing hear in this big world with people thats alway hurting you. Sometimes I feel like taking myself because I feel that I'm not supposed to be hear. That's why I write all this cause people don't understand me or my pain."

After reading these powerful words I stood in front of my class and told them I was so sorry for their loss. I also told them that there is another way! There is way that can lead you away from this pain. A way that will allow you to choose how and where you will live your life. A way that will open up opportunities away from gang violence and the needless loss of loved ones. That way is through education. I told them to please come to my class, and I promised that I would help them find their way. I know this was a lofty promise, but I also know that receiving an education is the only way these students will ever find choice in their lives. My heart hurts for them and the pain that they must face, but I know that is why I must press them even harder. Even though we don't have many materials and we have a lot of ground to make up, I cannot stop until they choose.

don't take anything too personally

2009-09-16T15:25:00.004-05:00

One of the few pieces of advice I received from my administration before entering the classroom was: "don't take anything too personally." I have come to learn that this piece of advice works much better as advice rather than in practical application. Everything that goes on in this classroom is so immensely personal. I wonder how you take an occupation that deals directly with other human beings and make it impersonal. I guess if I do stop to think about it for a minute, there are numerous teachers around me that have become completely impersonal to their students. Teachers so weathered and beaten by this storm that I'm not quite sure how in tact their humanity truly is anymore. I don't want to be a shell of a teacher. I want my students to see me as a dancing, breathing individual that truly wants nothing for them but success. It may be a naive dream, but I know that if they ever saw me in these terms they would never treat me the way they do. This is the 2nd day that I have stood in front of students screaming at me out of frustration. The first time occurred because I realized that my 11th grade students did not know how to subtract properly. I attempted to teach them the concept of borrowing in subtraction with the hope that they would scream out in joy as they finally grasped this precious jewel of knowledge. As you might have guessed the screams coming from my students were not even close to sounds of joy. They were literally angry with me because I was asking the forbidden question...why? Why when you subtract 106 from 805 does that 5 become 15 or that zero before it become 9? They didn't care how they got the answer, they were merely concerned with whether it was correct or not. There seems to be this obsession with correctness and high grades that has very little to do with how much the students themselves actually understand. This is a common side effect that surfaces when Title I schools are forced only to teach to a test. I stood at my whiteboard trying to hold back tears completely confused at how things had become so hostile so quickly. Students started throwing their pencils yelling that this was stupid and they weren't going to do it. In fact one girl said I don't get it and began packing up her backpack.

The 2nd time occurred today as I tried to let them rework problems on their quiz from the past week. The purpose of this exercise was to help them pinpoint the mistakes they were consistently making. The students began immediately berating me for daring to mark their questions wrong and tried to prove that I was the one who didn't know the answer. If I did happen to make a mistake on the papers that I stayed up until midnight the night before grading, the students would mumble something about my incompetency under their breath and how they were going to move to the other chemistry teacher's class. I guess a part of me should be happy that they were at least thinking about the questions in an attempt to prove my stupidity, but I just couldn't shake off anymore by 7th period. I was told to F*#% off twice during 1st period, and ignored all day during the lab I stayed up until midnight preparing with materials I purchased with my own money. So remind me again how this is not personal? I do take the learning of my students very personally. I know the only way that I can get them to a place where they will have choices in this life is teach them all I can. I can't think of anything I feel more personally about in my life at this time. I just never imagined that giving up everything I cared about, moving thousands of miles away from home, all in an attempt to help these students achieve excellence could ever warrant such hatred. That continues to be my mistake.

The First Dance Club

2009-09-10T21:39:00.008-05:00

I am so overjoyed and humbled tonight. I had such an incredible experience today and the first thought in my mind was that I couldn't wait to share it with y'all. We had our first meeting of the dance club today and 5 students showed up more than ready to dance. I have to admit that I was very nervous going in because I was not sure if the students would struggle with picking up choreography or if they would just outright hate what I came up with. I decided early in the day that I would trust that everything would work out, and I spent my planning period finishing the choreography for the dance. As I stood there sweating in my khaki's and button down shirt, I could only hope that no one happened to peer through the window into my room and witness this catastrophe. My job was to come up with an Egyptian, hip-hop dance to be performed at the coronation ball for homecoming week. I really tried to think like an authentic Egyptian, but felt like everything came out looking more like an Arabian version of a Britney Spears dance I saw on M.T.V. After my very sweaty planning period, I finished the day apprehensive about the end product. I made my way to the stage promptly at 3:30 and became even more nervous as I realized we had an audience. Half of the basketball team, band, and softball team would take turns gyrating and laughing while they waited for me to start. We had no mirrors and only a very small boom box and as I began the warm up, the entire audience erupted into laughter. Apparently they had never seen a dance warm up before, and I could not bring myself to even look behind me at the poor students struggling to follow along. I gained some courage as I realized that these 5 dancers did not care that the crowd was jeering at them and kept right on isolating their rib cages as best they could. We finished the warm up, I explained to them what we were trying to accomplish, and asked if they would rather start with the hard or easier part of the dance. They emphatically answered that they wanted the hard part, because they were going to have to learn it anyway. The only way I can describe these young pioneers is thirsty. They wouldn't stop practicing in between every break, and asked me to stay an extra hour so they could learn more. I have realized that there just are not a lot of opportunities for after school programs around here. Most of these students literally have nothing to do after school but join their own makeshift gangs. These students were so thirsty to dance, and I could not believe their natural ability for it. They learned everything I had prepared for the day and asked for more. We even spent our breaks learning ballet, jazz, and little bit of partnering. They wanted to know everything. They wanted to learn how to turn, what fifth position was, how to do a Cessone, and even how to move their hips during a salsa dance. I was so inspired by their unquenchable desire to learn. They have wanted this opportunity for so long, but have never had anyone around to show them how. One girl even grabbed one of the macho guys who spent the entire 2 hours watching us, and made him lift her while she did pretend ballet leaps across the stage. He promised he would join us when we start doing swing and latin ballroom. I had the cheerleading coach ask if the cheerleaders could train with us, and one other teacher asked if we would show the evolution of dance for Black History Month. I think one of best parts of the day was taking one of the students home and listening to all of his hopes and dreams. He mentioned that after today he was sure that he should audition for So You Think You Can Dance :) I also watched as his father almost hit him for what I can only assume was anger over our late return from school. Maybe dance is another way that I can help these students find a way out. As I pass through their town I am so amazed at the amount of people that just sit outside the stores...waiting. I'm not ever quite sure what they're waiting for, but I do know that is not the life for these students. After today it is clear that they are not meant to wait their lives away.

I was finally able to bond with these little boys today. They are the sons of my science mentor and I have always thought they were so cute. They watched our whole dance rehearsal, and even learned to do handstands by the end of it.

My Stanky Leg

2009-09-08T20:16:00.005-05:00

I worked my first football game this weekend and in the back of my mind I am convinced that is why they lost 8 to 21. They were playing our biggest rivals, who clearly take football much more seriously. They came to our stadium with a full marching band, cheerleaders, and a much more prepared team, complete with back up dancers. Needless to say, we were categorically shamed on our home turf. The game, however, was not the most interesting part. Half time definitely stole the show as the marching band took the field complete with three different "dance" groups. Now I am not sure that you can call what they were doing dancing, as much as gyrating with anger. Each of the dance groups would take their turn shaking their butts as fast as humanly possible, until it was time to be relieved by the next dance group. I was honestly very surprised by the sexual undertones of the dancing, and intrigued by the fact that the dancers did not seem to view it that way. At one point I found myself believing that this was the only logical way to move to marching band music. It was as if booty shaking was merely a cultural dance equivalent with modern day Indians engaging in a rain dance around a bonfire. I was also immediately impressed with the intensity of the performers. These girls could literally have snapped their spinal cords in two with the deliberate intention behind their movement. As a people they do not do anything half way, including dancing. The grand finale began as the drummers all pulsed their hips in a forward motion each time they hit their drums, while the dancers went into a complete frenzy until they all ended up lying on their backs. Even though we were completely outdone, the audience could not help but clap for the ostentatious fashion in which is was accomplished.

The dance that followed the game was another highlight of the evening. Each of the students made their way to the dark gym that was complete with a makeshift D.J. holding a microphone up to a boombox. I was surprised to see the number of elementary school kids at this function, and even more surprised by the manner in which they were dancing. These 4th and 5th graders could literally move their backsides in ways that will not be invented by club goers for another 20 years. Their rhythm and the sheer ability to move is literally astounding. I have never been to a dance before where people were literally dancing with as much intensity as they possibly could, and I have never felt more at home. I know the feeling of needing to move so intensely to get something out. At one point I couldn't hold back any longer and joined in with a common dance called the "stanky leg." I have to say that my students were pretty impressed at just how stanky my legs could get! On a side note, Chiquita found me at the dance and said she will be back from the learning center in 45 days. I am mildly sure she was only speaking to me because here friends wanted to meet the guy from High School Musical, but I am glad that I was able to tell her that I miss her. It was clear that she was by far one of the best dancers in the entire school. I think we may have found a way through to her. I have to admit that I was very concerned with the amount of students I was convinced were either drunk or high. Now I know that this may not be totally uncommon for high school students, but the openness of it all is what caught me by surprise. Many of the students did little to hide the fact that they were intoxicated, in fact I had a conversation with one of my students about protecting his brain from marijuana that I'm positive he won't remember. Apparently drug use is very common in this county. One of the kindergarten teachers mentioned that she was a witness to her 5 year old students rolling "doobies" the other day in class. Once again, I am just trying to be an observer and not judge the situation. I know there is a whole host of reasons that drug use runs rampant in these extremely poor communities.

On the upside I actually had a wonderful day with parent teacher conferences. At the risk of showing my own prejudices, I will admit that I did not expect many parents to show up. That hope was quickly shattered because I was literally in conferences from 10am until 4:30pm. The parents and students I spoke with were also surprisingly concerned about their grades. This was also another aspect of the conferences that I did not expect. There is an urgency here, because many of the parents have witnessed first hand what happens when you squander an education. There was one mother today that had to have her daughter sign her name. I now understand their fear because many of them do not understand what their children are learning, but know that the only way their children will have choice in their lives is if they are privy to a quality education. That is what it all comes down to...choice. The one thing I took away from today is that these parents love their children fiercely and wish nothing more than their success. They also mentioned that they want me to call them so they can "whoop" their kids if they get out of line. It is a great relief to know that I have so many parents standing behind me...with paddles :)

P.S. I wanted to include some more pictures, so here is a picture from the day that 2 of my students poured ethyl alcohol on a pile of salt and started a fire in the lab!

Farewell to Chiquita

2009-09-03T21:49:00.007-05:00

I learned today that Chiquita was sent "down the hill." Now I am not entirely sure of what this means, but I do know that it is for the worst of the worst students. These are the students that spend more time in ISS (in school suspension) than they actually spend in the classroom. They call this place the "learning center," although I would be very interested to see what kind of learning is actually taking place there. One of my roommates informed me that his students were passed on in English from their previous teacher because he would give them A's for a dollar. I also hear that this particular teacher now teaches at the learning center. Maybe I should have sent Chiquita with some dollars. I have to admit that I am not the best teacher, because a part of me wanted Chiquita to go there. Whenever she was in my classroom she would fight me on the smallest requests. She spent an entire day standing outside my door because she refused to put her backpack under her seat. This was when I thought that she might actually get more learning done at the Learning Center. I haven't been able to get her off my mind since that incident. Until now no one has been able to get through to her. I just want to take her by the shoulders and shake her until she realizes that she is sealing her own fate. Whatever problems her home life is creating that affect her behavior at school, they will continue to be there for the rest of her life unless she can open up opportunities through education. She will forever remain the "the girl from nowhere with too much attitude." I have to admit that she intrigues me and that I wish I had a deeper understanding of what she struggles with. I watched her pick a fight with a boy twice her size in homeroom today, and then watched a completely different side of her light up when they asked for volunteers to dance at the homecoming assembly. I kind of perked up when I saw this reaction, because I realized that dance may be the one thing that will get through her impenetrable exterior. However, it was right after she volunteered that she was called down to the office, only to disappear down the so called hill. I hear she might be back in 45 days and hope I will have another chance with her. A part of me is grateful that the students in that class will now be able to learn uninhibited by Chiquita's baggage.

On their turf

2009-09-02T22:09:00.003-05:00

I had an incredible experience after my disappointing day yesterday. I was on my way to another town to pick up a few supplies, and I saw four of my students get off the bus coming from football practice. I decided to turn around and pick them up, and ended up driving each of them home. It was such an eye opening experience. I have never been so involved with poverty at this level. Each of them live in run-down trailers with only blankets covering the windows. The yards were littered with all manner of debris and I could barely even drive down the poorly paved roads. All of the sudden I came to a fuller realization of what my students are up against. Up until this point I viewed their poor behavior merely as a nuisance to myself. However, I am quickly learning that the behavior expected from them in a school environment, is very different from the expectations they receive at home. I want to make it clear that I am trying not to judge this situation in any way. I am only attempting to describe what I am learning as I observe this foreign culture unfold around me. I was able to stop and converse with many other students that I did not expect to see, and felt a twinge of joy because they seemed genuinely happy to see me. On my way out of the town, I also felt somewhat frightened as I drove through numerous groups that all seemed to stop and question my motives for entering their community. Many of the people refused to acknowledge me as I nervously waved to ease the tension. This reaction only further seemed to prove the undercurrent I have felt coming from my students since day one. It seems to say why are you here, and why should we care? News traveled very quickly the next day that I had made the trek onto their turf. Many of the students seemed genuinely impressed that I would come to visit their meager surroundings. I approached the day with a newfound understanding for my students, and even though I refuse to lower my expectations because of where they're from, I can now stop punishing them for it. Instead I will teach them how to act in this environment, and how to be successful in many other professional circles.

I also had quite a few breakthroughs with my students today! Robert who usually sits in the corner and laughs incessantly, told me today that he now knows that water forms hydrogen bonds. This is a huge leap for Robert, because until this point he would stare at me and mumble something that always ended in a chuckle. Now I do not always understand what he says to me, so I began assuming that he found either me trying teach or learning in itself hilarious. However, I now know that he is very capable of learning, and it helps if marshmallows are present. I had the students make water molecules out of marshmallows and bond them together today. Most of the students were more concerned with eating the marshmallows than actually "bonding" them with anything that could potentially get them dirty. I don't think they are getting very much to eat, because I ended up feeling sorry and letting them eat all of the marshmallows we didn't use. I am truly coming to love these kids.

I learned today that some of my 9th graders are reading on a 2nd grade reading level. No wonder those students refuse to write anything on the board, and usually spend most of their time running around my classroom. I will have to find a new way to get through to them, although we are working on literacy daily in the classroom.

Finally, I will begin a dance club next week. I know this will be a great opportunity to get through to the kids. They have such a natural feel for rhythm and dance, and I can't wait to tap into it. The young man who was just voted most popular in the school will actually be the president of this group. Imagine that a young man who loves to dance can be accepted in this culture as one of the "cool kids." I know my high school experience would have been much different :) He told me today that he wants to complete a dance minor in college, but that he has never had any formal training. Even if he is the only one to come to dance club, I know that it will be worth it. Our first calling is to put together an egyptian dance for the homecoming presentation. Wish me luck!

The first fight

2009-09-01T16:35:00.004-05:00

I need to take a break from describing the history of this situation, and express the emotion I am feeling. I had my first fight break out in the classroom today. It was during 3rd period, which is honestly the period that gives me a daily knot in my stomach, and I finally realized that things cannot get much worse. I tried to run between them and break them up, but the more I pushed, the harder they fought. Now I guess I can't say I didn't see this coming at all, because I felt myself losing control of the class progressively throughout the period. They insist on talking to one another and whisper all kinds of remarks anytime I try to get them to do anything. I spent a lot of time carefully planning a laboratory exercise for them to complete today, but instead we spent the time talking about how I could be a better teacher. Their main points were that I make them take too many notes and that I'm too nice. I am not quite sure how to respond to that, except that it is clear that I am going to have to get a lot more creative with my teaching strategies. The only thing most of these students are competent at is copying. They will copy from the book or the board, but don't ever ask them to think about what they are writing. For instance, if the question is not multiple choice, they don't even bother doing anything but copying down the question. I can see why many other teachers resort to having them copy so much, because it keeps them occupied until they leave their class. But I don't want my students to just be occupied, I want them to learn. Some days this job is too heavy. I am literally fighting them to learn something. My feet are sore, my voice is hoarse, I have completely worn out all 4 of my dry erase markers, and the thought of doing this again tomorrow is too much. I asked them today if they were learning, and they said they were. The question still remains as to whether it will be enough. The more I look at the statistics of this county and how far these students have to go, I am not so sure that we are fulfilling the creed of the school district: "preparing students to leave here college ready."

Why I Teach for America

2009-08-30T21:03:00.008-05:00

I wanted to begin this journey with an explanation of how I found myself in what has been termed "the most southern place on earth." Upon graduation from Brigham Young University, the only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to be involved in something that helped others. My experiences touring with the Young Ambassadors, a performing/service group from BYU, taught me that the only time I was truly happy, was when I was in the service of others. I cannot even put into words the feeling of cradling a small orphan in South Korea and singing lullabies from my childhood quietly in his ear. It was during this moment that I knew the only possible course for my life was to find a path in which I could be of service to others. I had this dream of being the next Mother Theresa, or Father Theresa for all intents and purposes, and providing aid to the underprivileged masses of some exotic country. I do have to say that I have stumbled across a pretty exotic culture here in Mississippi, so maybe my dream will materialize after all. During my undergrad I focused on nutritional sciences because I realized that one of the ways I could have the greatest impact on others would be to become a doctor. I also secretly questioned as to whether becoming a teacher would allow me to have an even greater impact, but was too far into my major to change my course of study. It was ultimately my love for sociology that led me to the staggering truths about the achievement gap, and helped me to find something I could do about it.

For those of you not familiar with the achievement gap, here are a few statistics from the NEA to clue you in:

"By age three, children of professionals have vocabularies that are nearly 50 percent greater than those of working class children, and twice as large as those of children whose families are on welfare.

By the end of fourth grade, African American, Latino, and poor students of all races are two years behind behind their wealthier, predominantly white peers in reading and math. By eighth grade, they have slipped three years behind, and by twelfth grade, four years behind.

By the end of high school, black and Hispanic students' reading and mathematics skills are roughly the same as those of white students in the eighth grade
African American students are three times more likely than white students to be placed in special education programs, and are half as likely to be in gifted programs in elementary and secondary schools.
Black students are only about half as likely (and Hispanics about one-third as likely) as white students to earn a bachelor's degree by age 29."
It is clear that educational inequality is one of the greatest injustices we face as a nation. Teach for America is an organization that is working tirelessly to increase the quality of education in rural and inner city neighborhoods across the U.S. They do this by recruiting recent college graduates who are inspired by the injustices they see in society, and teaching them to utilize this passion to make up for their inexperience as teachers. I applied to Teach for America on a whim because I believed in what they stood for, and because the application was surprisingly similar to the medical school applications I had already completed. However, it was not until my final interview that I was sure this was the place that would allow me to make the most impact on others. By the end of the interview, the interviewer and I sat silently staring at one another wiping away tears. Now in most circumstances I would advise against this hiring tactic, but it was so clear that this experience could prove to be one of the most empowering moments of my life. I cannot even put into words how frightening and incredible it was to finally find my place after searching for so long. Now I need to point out that my interviewer was not crying because I did such a poor job interviewing, but because the emotion was overwhelming as she tried to portray her experience teaching the children on the West Shore of Hawaii. As I listened to her story and learned of the struggles the Mississippi Delta was facing, I felt immediately that there was only 1 place I could go. Therefore, It came as little surprise when I received the email 2 weeks later informing me that I would be teaching high school biology in the Mississippi Delta.

A plea

2009-08-29T09:37:00.005-05:00

Well here it goes. There is so much pent up emotion and so many thoughts in my head that I am not quite sure where to start. I guess I'll start with a plea. Make no mistake about it that this is a desperate attempt, even a last resort to find some help. I thought that I could do this on my own, that once I made it out here I could make a difference. But the realization came on all too quickly that this problem is much bigger than me, much greater than the impact one "bright eyed boy, with a with an idealistic dream" could ever hope to make. It is hard for me to ask for help, and even harder to post some of the events that have transpired. But I do know that if you're reading this you have the ability to help change the course of these young people. People who have never felt opportunity shine on them merely because of where they were born. Children who are involved in an educational program that is failing them, because how can they be expected to learn about electrons when many of them are not sure how they will eat tonight? I am doing this for Annelle, who had to drop out to take care of her grandmother. A young girl with all of the hope in the world and the dream that "one day she could take her mother to Paris." She told me that her goal in life was to become a criminal investigator. Sadly, this is just one more dream she may have to tuck neatly away, because opportunity seems to be in short supply in this place. I am doing this for Sherman, LeMarcus, and Tierra who have so much potential, but may never have the opportunity to reach it. For all of the students who told me on my first day that their only goal was to get out of this place. I promised you that I would help you find a way, but I've realized I can't keep that promise on my own. Last of all, I am doing this because I believe in these students and that the world needs to hear their stories. They are capable of so much more than what they have been handed, and imagine the loss if one of these students was destined to become the doctor to cure cancer or the next black president? What if for once, when it really counted, they were able to succeed instead of being shown that they will never beat the odds? So there's my plea, which marks the beginning of this journey.